I don't have the strangest notion why, but I'm starting to have this weird feeling again that I'm tired of my life and that I really want to have a long, long rest, away from the world, away from acquaintances and friends and family. I want to go away to a place where I don't know anybody and where I can be who I really am and not worry about hurting people or hurting myself. I'm tired.
I'm tired of worrying about which blouse to wear, which perfume to put on; which ride to take, which dirt road to walk on. I'm getting tired of which people to be courteous with and which ones I can be myself with. I'm tired of choosing the most appropriate words to use when I can just use the ones I'm used to.
I'm tired of waiting for a short delay before I react to some things and to what others are doing or saying, being afraid of their counter-reactions and what others might say. I'm tired of thinking things over, wishing I'm in another dimension of time and space where I can undo or redo things that I chose to.
I'm tired of trying to be someone else, when I am already what I am; I'm tired of choosing who I'm going to be good with or who I'm going to be stubborn with. I'm definitely tired of being under the shadow of a certain person, when all facts point to the truth. I'm tired, tired of living my life, tired of trying to live another's.
Can't there be such a thing as a life remote control? Where you can just press a button and voila! You can watch your life play in front you in fast forward or in slow motion and then choose to edit it out, replay it or just move on forward or pause it for quite a while. I wish I'm in another lifetime. Then maybe, I may not be as tired as I am now.