Friday, March 30, 2007

55 Ways to Be an Annoying Officemate

When you're especially bored like me, you tend to find ways to entertain yourself.

Here are 55 Ways to Be an Annoying Officemate

1. “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

2. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

3. Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat entire raw potatoes.

4. Attach a sign that says "FAX" to the paper shredder. Sit and watch to see how many people fall for it.

5. Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

6. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

7. Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get “Creative”.

8. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

9. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

10. Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

11. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

12. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

13. Email your boss the message: I know what you did last vacation.

14. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

15. Erect a shrine to your favorite sports team, holding candlelight vigils at 10:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. daily.

16. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

17. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

18. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

19. Grow mold in your coffee cup.

20. Hang mistletoe over your desk.

21. Hide a rubber cockroach in inventive places.

22. Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

23. Insist that your e-mail address be: “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com” (or “thor_god_of_thunder@companyname.com”)

24. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

25. Make a roof over your cubical out of old soda cans.

26. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”

27. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.

28. Come to work in your pajamas.

29. No matter what anyone asks you, reply “Okay.”

30. Page your co-workers to call their extensions so they call themselves.

31. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

32. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

33. Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

34. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

35. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

36. Put shaving cream on your boss’s telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say “Sqwish.”

37. Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting.

38. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

39. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

40. Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

41. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

42. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

43. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

44. Send emails one word (or a few) at a time. end each one wth something like, "more to come tuned to your inbox for further developments..."

45. Sing “It’s a Small World After All” really loud in your cubical.

46. Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky middle names. Example: Bobby “Pud” McNeel.

47. Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

48. Talk to your mouse as if it is a C.B. radio.

49. Wait until a co-worker goes on vacation, then relocate everything they have in their office, and move someone else in their place. When they get back act like nothing has changed since they left.

50. When an a person tells you that they'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"

51. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave. Go get a coffee.

52. When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once.

53. Whenever anyone comes in your cubicle insist they knock or don’t speak with them.

54. When they knock, ignore them.

55. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

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