It was a rough night last night - rough because I received messages from my ex. Ok, some of you maybe sighing right now saying, "Oh no, she's into it again."
But actually, no. I just felt bad also to be the recipient of such musings again. I'm sorry to post it all here, but I just have this need to air it all out before I suffocate.
Yesterday was September 3, it would have been our "monthsary" given that we're still together. Given that all was like before, there would have been a date, dinner after work, a walk around the mall or wherever our feet would take us, maybe a cup of coffee before going home, reminiscing some good times, things we've been through, greeting each other, and an almost never ending barrage of sweet nothings.
But that was just the "what would have been" scenario. Yesterday was different. Just like the previous five 3rd days of the month, all was silent. I spent the day at the office, deciding to go home at about 9.30pm. Had conversations with my audit colleagues the whole day, talking about things not actually related to auditing. Some topics were about our love lives (and the non-existence of it), what happened, what could've happened. Talked about the seminar that we attended about operations audit, talked about friends and the things these guys can and will do just to show their support at times when we really need them. But my day ended with something I didn't expect. I received a message from my ex-boyfriend late in the evening. I thought it was just only to ask how was I doing, what's happening, how come he didn't see me at church the day before, etc, etc, etc...
So I replied that I was OK, and that I wasn't in church because of the seminar, and that I was watching TV. I thought he wasn't gonna reply anymore, but he did. He said things that I really didn't want to hear anymore, or maybe I did but I wasn't expecting the gravity of the emotions that it could still trigger in me. Maybe because he said he missed me, missed calling his "hunnie", missed his hunnie. Maybe also because he apologized again, for all the things that have happened between us. And so I told him he shouldn't be missing me anymore because he has his "gang-gang" already. I was already annoyed a bit, and yet I was still crying - just couldn't help but let the tears flow. I was irked because he still had the nerve to say that he missed his hunnie, when everytime he comes to see me he was showing me that he was already happy with the other girl - "showing" as in pictures posted everywhere, unsolicited stories, showing me that he wears the girl's accessories like rings or bangles, things like that. I couldn't figure out anymore whether he was still telling me the truth or whether he just couldn't think of something else to say. I was angry - angry at myself for still being affected after 5 whole months, affected in a way that I still feel the angst, the irritation, the annoyance everytime I look back at what happened and look at everything from a bird's eye view. I feel annoyed because I didn't actually use my brains during those times. He texted again and said he really was sorry, about everything, and that he wished that I'd take care of myself. I really thought my replies were a little sarcastic and concise at that, but I believe that it was the right thing to do. I couldn't gamble my heart again and then have that fear that I'm about to lose.
He even mentioned that he's not trying to win me back, because he thinks he can't anymore - but did he really try? The answer is no. All he did was show me that he was happy without me, that he didn't miss me, that he and the girl were good together. All he did was to let me know that he as happy with his new relationship and that he didn't need the "pressure" and the emotions that makes him go crazy when we were still together. All he did was to show me right in the face that he has a new life now, with the new girl.
A friend once told me, I couldn't hurt myself unless I do, and others couldn't hurt me unless I allow them to. Well, this maybe a perfect situation. I shouldn't allow myself to be hurt again - yes, I can give this guy another chance, give ourselves another chance together, but I thought, there will always be this tugging feeling at my gut that he may do the same things he did, and we'll both end up in a vicious cycle that I know we both don't like to be in. There's this fear that maybe about 10 years along the relationship, there's still this shadow of doubt of whether he's really telling me the truth, or just telling me white lies. A nagging feeling of whether he really feels what he says, or just came back to the relationship because of the familiarity of it, or for the comfort and security.
Yes, I can give a second 2nd chance, but this time, I think the second chances have run out.