The past weeks have been a very nasty storm for me, physically and emotionally. For one, I had chicken pox and on top of that, something happened that has changed my life - really a very nasty storm to be in.
To protect the privacy of the matter and the identity of the other person involved, I will not be citing specifics here, just to air out my emotions as usual. This blog will be one of my outlets from here on (aside from work and my family and friends).
As I have posted before, Love is a choice. And as the title of this post says, The Lord makes no mistake. We do make some, or even plenty, but He doesn't. I made the wrong decisions, said the wrong words, did the wrong actions. And yet, in the midst of it all, I get comforted by this line from a song - Rejoice in the Lord, He makes no mistake. I am not putting the blame on the Lord, but on myself. The other person doesn't want me to do this either (I mean put the blame on myself) but it's actually the truth. It's my fault. I have said I'm sorry, and I still do feel sorry, and humbled, because after all the things that he has done and said and shown, after all the sacrifices that was made, I still had the guts to say that may be it was time to cool it off.
It was at first difficult to admit that it was my fault, but I found the courage to do so and also because I really feel heavy in my heart that I haven't really said that I'm truly sorry, and I know if he reads this, he might be annoyed or he may even turn out to hate me or something, or stop replying to my messages or some other thing that I will surely dread, but I really hope he doesn't because I'm not asking for anything in exchange for this; I'm not forcing him to make any decisions or to say something or whatever, I just really really need to say that I'm sorry and felt that I needed to write my feelings down because if I continue having it clammed up in me, the heavier my heart feels, the more I feel the need to say sorry, and the longer I wait to voice it out or to write it down, the farther damage it may cause me emotionally and even physically, than just expressing it and then just sincerely hoping that somehow, someday, he finds it in his heart to forgive me completely.
It's not really such a hellish experience, although it was for me, a bit, with the pox and all, but at the end of the day I am still thankful because I found the support of the family from both sides really comforting (I even found his mom and sister more supportive and comforting than my own mom, sorry to say...). I realized that friends that I tended to ignore before are still there to be a shoulder to lean on especially on dark nights and foggy days. I found out that they had a lot to say, a lot of consoling words of advice and support and friendship that I did't realize they were willing to give right until they did. I found my way back to old friends, friends that I lost real communication with for a while aside from forwarded quotes and messages through SMS and email. I realized that they remained, waiting for a lost friend to reach out and rekindle the dwindling flame of friendship. All these I realized and learned the hard way. The hardest way for me, because it just had to happen in such a bad circumstance, but somehow I am still grateful that I found the path back to them.
there is a reason for everything
I am also thankful because after all, we are friends. I mean I still really consider him a friend, and I do trust him when he said we're friends. He replies to my messages, I'm thankful, and he even visited me once just to check if I'm ok. Thank you. :)
People, expect more and more posts from now on, because I find writing really consoling. Some people find painting, singing, playing a musical instrument, taking pictures, going to the mall, smoking, even drinking as their outlet, well, I found this. I used to write down anything and everything, even lost most of those notes because I usually forgot where I placed them, but at least through my blog, it won't be lost as fast.