Thursday, May 17, 2007

Blast from the Past

I had a weird noontime break today - because of a blast from my past. Thought I was just getting nauseous when I saw his YM window flashing right in front of me. Sorry to disappoint myself, because it was actually true, he did send me a message.

Hmmm, I wouldn't like to include the details

he really should stop saying he's sorry

of that YM conversation, but needless to say, he shouldn't say he's sorry anymore. Not even in his thoughts, or even if he's lying or if he's not - he really should stop saying he's sorry. Because in the first place, he shouldn't even be feeling sorry for me or for what happened. Why?! Because it was his decision to do those things he did and to say those things he said. All was done and over with, all was settled (his very own words...) and so he shouldn't be feeling sorry anymore (in simple layman's jargon, he shouldn't be the one feeling sorry because it was actually his fault, his wrongdoing, his deeds, and not mine!). "Guilty" would have been a more acceptable term. And as some of my friends know me (and as he does too...), when it comes to the English language, whether it's informal or formal conversations, written or not, I'm particular with the words being used because one word can be used in several ways and can therefore mean several other things.

The conversation ended cordially though, good enough. I wasn't in the mood to elaborate how I felt or what I was thinking, and he doesn't have the right to know either! He need not know how I feel anymore, from simple daily feelings like hunger or sleepiness, to my darn opinions on smoking, to the more complex ones like frustration, angst or hate. But I managed to ask how he was, or how his life's doing. Hmmm, very cordial of me. It wasn't just a facade, mind you. I admit, I was also a bit curious whether he's still breathing or what. And also because I realized hating him won't do me any good, and I might carry the weight of that emotion onto a new relationship and ruin it before it even goes to the good parts (assuming I can get one... hehe!). Anyway, I can feel my bones getting brittle because of the cold, our airconditioning system is I think in full blast again. Annoying centralized airconditioning things! Grrrhhhh!!!

And oh, I just finished eating a doughnut, and I'm having cold green tea with that. Cheers!



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