Inspired or Expired?!

Haha, I'm laughing at myself right now because I just published that post entitled "I'm Freezing" and then I remembered that my online diary really needs to know this! Ooohh, I'm so excited!

Okay, here goes...

Wahaha! I feel stupid. I'm more than 20 years old and now I feel as if I went back to high school years because of this cranky feeling when you see someone that you enjoy looking at, even if he doesn't look back at you nor see you. I think it's commonly termed a "crush". Anyway, since I'm now appropriately labeled as "single", I can have a crush on anyone I like right now, ayt? Hehehe!

Okay, I won't mention his name or even describe him in detail or even in general terms because we can't really tell, there may come a time when he might track this blog down (either I tell him or he gets the info from someone else, I don't know, I'll just be careful because this may really be embarrassing!). What I can say with certainty is that he's good looking, and tall. Hehe! Good enough?

What made me smile yesterday and kept me thinking about it for the rest of the day (and night) is that he actually talked to me, nonsense things or trivial things if you really think about it, but well, you can't blame me, I spent a favorably long time in a relationship and I wasn't able to exercise the freedom to have crushes. Goodness, if this entry goes out into the open, I'm doomed!

I see him around actually, of course I look at him every now and then (he's really cute) but it was just yesterday that we both kinda had the guts to start a conversation. Out of nowhere mind you, but it was a conversation nonetheless. He's really got nice eyes. I'm a sucker for nice eyes. Anyway, I kinda feel stupid and naive right now because at 23, I still have this kind of high school crush feelings - the feeling any normal girl gets when he gets talked to by a cute guy.

This is embarrassing, but you really don't know me personally so that's okay. And you really don't have the vaguest idea how I really look like too! So, all is fair... :)

I'm Freezing!

I was born and raised in a tropical country and now, it's summer here. Outside, it's kinda scorching hot, perfect weather for a vacation in some of the best beaches in town. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I'm working today and I'm actually having my butt frozen here inside my office because the darn airconditioning system is set to really really very cool. Grrrhhh!

What annoys me most is that I cannot adjust the setting in any way because it's centralized and it kinda makes me feel whoozy and sleepy and freakishly slothful. Hmm, bad day, huh?

Anyway, I managed to bring a cute little blanket the other day and a jacket also which I'm wearing right now while I'm typing away on my keyboard. It helped alleviate the cold a little, but I can still feel it in my bones. It's a little annoying actually because when I'm outside I always wished hard for a cool breeze that will ward of the heat of the sun, and when I'm actually somewhere cold, then I wish it can be a little warm! I think I even sometimes confuse my guardian angels by the way I think! I'm sorry... Haha! But now, I'd really like to just cozy up to a thick comfortable blanket on a soft fluffy bed with lots of cottony soft pillows... Hmm, I just wish I can have that luxury right now. Soon enough I assume. Hehe!

It's actually a terrible feeling to just shiver in the cold knowing you can't do anything about it but some little itsy bitsy measures that can somehow make you a little comfortable or to just help you to cope with the situation. Oh dear, here I go again - I'm about to compare it again with real life, which sucks a little because I'm really not a life coach or something and I feel as if I really don't have the authority to make such comments. Anyway, my fingers are a little stiff already and my toenails are now little bluish. I just couldn't get why I cannot adopt as easily to very cold environments! Guess I couldn't migrate to countries that have winter after all... :)

Amazing Cakes

If someone gave you a cake that somewhat looks like these, will eat it? :)

It's a Nice Day Today

Hello to every one who gets lost wandering around blogger and gets to view my blog! Haha! I hope you do enjoy reading some of my entries here. I got the hang of blogging just recently and I've used this to air out some pent up emotions and thoughts and one reason is because I can somehow manage to be a little anonymous by blogging...

Well, let me update you on some things. So far, I've been a little busy updating myself on some friends that I haven't seen and been with in ages. Some have interesting stories of their own also, and it's a little amusing how I thought I was in a very bad situation. Goodness me! I still felt God had shielded me from nuances because I'm still whole, alive and kicking!

Aside from a daily update with my friends, well, I try to be busy at work. But somehow I'm now getting a little bored. I don't understand myself either, so I just write it down... Hehe!

I love how it feels to be important again and be told how they value my worth

To the surprise of some of my closest friends, I'm ok right now and really happy with my situation (not completely happy as of now, but I'm happy nonetheless). They say I'm weird (they even say that with a strange facial expression!) because some people in my shoes right now would still wallow in loneliness and act desperate, cry and cry until they have no more tears to shed, stare at nowhere everytime, destroy things, be resentful of people and along the way destroy themselves all for the wrong reasons and purposes. I've thought about that, mind you, and this is why I'm ok right now. I realized that I need not destroy myself, my things, my future nor my other relationships over some petty thing. I consider it petty because I still managed to be alive right now, I realized things that I may never even have thought of if all this never happened and I'm enjoying the company of friends that I somehow tried avoiding in the past few years. Right now I have several sets of friends, all connected with me in different ways, and boy am I thankful! They all kinda check on me almost everyday, some even more than once a day, and I love how it feels to be important again and be told how they value my worth as a person and as a friend. Hmmm... I'm going to be 100% ok sooner and NOT later. :)

Think I need to get back to work now, because it's already almost 11 in the morning and I haven't actually done something productive... Haha! Till next post!

Why Men Cheat

Of course, we all know that while men and women are both capable of cheating, it's often the guys who have the biggest problem keeping their belts firmly buckled. And we all know that no matter who it's with, why it's done, or where the after-hours canoodling takes place, cheating is-most of the time-the ultimate relationship death sentence. But instead of dwelling on what happens after the cheating takes place, one of the ways to perhaps prevent infidelity is by knowing a little bit about why men stray. I'm not offering them as excuses, merely explanations as to what happens in that brain (and other body parts) of his-in hopes that you might be able to prevent it. Here, the top reasons why men cheat:

* To Fulfill His Biology: You know the old anthropological tale. A man's main job, besides killing the saber-tooth, is to spread his seed in order to ensure the survival of his genetic legacy. It's a man's biology to want to wander. Does that mean he should, or that he can't help it? Of course not. But it does mean that a man is going to have strong-extremely strong-biological urges to knock on the doors of neighboring huts. I have had this argument/discussion/conversation with dozens of men and women: Are men predestined to cheat? My answer is no, they're not-despite their biology. But often times, they do have to fight it. Especially after a pitcher and two shots of Jack.

* To Get the Attention: News flash: Sure, some guys cheat because, well, maybe the sexual frequency has slowed a bit, and maybe hot-and-heavy happens at home about as often as Rob Schneider gets nominated for an Oscar. But the truth is that plenty of men who are having regular sex with their partner are also having sex with someone else. Why? Because cheating isn't just about the sex. Just as a woman who cheats may be seeking more affection than what she's getting at home, a man often cheats because he's seeking the attention that he no longer gets at home. Part of the allure of the mysterious woman isn't just to find out what she looks like naked; it's that the woman showers the man with flirtations, with seduction, with advances that make him feel like he's worthy of more than just fixing dents in the drywall.

* To Get Out: I know lots of guys who simply don't have the strength to end it. They may try ("I'm just not happy"), or they may take other tactics to drive a woman away. A lot of guys simply have trouble breaking off relationships because they don't want to be perceived as that bad guy, the jerk, the insensitive lout who ended something good. So they tiptoe around the issue in hopes that she'll get so frustrated that she'll back out first. Well, if that doesn't work, then a man knows that the only way out is to commit the relationship sin that drives a woman away for good. It's not right, but it's what happens.

* To Change Up His Play List: Think about what's on your iPod. You have your favorite songs you play over and over, but every once in a while, you're in the mood to hear something you haven't played in a long time. You don't need to hear it but once every month or so, but still, you appreciate the changeup. Relationships need to be like good iPods lists. You're comfortable with your routine and you like your routine, but it's always nice to change things up. What men really want in relationships (and what I suspect women also want) is to be able to take comfort in the routine of a long-term commitment, as long as there are some surprises that make it feel like a new relationship every once in a while. In order to keep the relationship strong, you've got to change the songs every once in a while. That goes for in the bedroom and out.

Who Handles Break-Ups Better?

Some relationships end with fighting. Some end with crying. Some end with sex. Some end with verbal insults (or dishes) being thrown at sound-barrier-breaking speeds. Whatever the case, break-ups can be uglier than some Dancing with the Stars performances. Let's face it: some relationships aren't meant to be, so a break-up averts a bigger disaster. So when the Love Boat hits the iceberg, who handles it better? My answer: Women. Several studies show that men experience more depression, distress, and anxiety after break-ups than women do. Men might like to come across as being tougher than overcooked steak after a breakup, but the truth is that they're actually more the consistency of jelly. Believe me-I see the letters of hundreds of men desperate for advice on how to win their ex back. Here's why some men come undone during a breakup:

Men Mask Their Pain

When a guy is dumped, his first reaction is: I'll show her. How he sometimes does it: With a couple pitchers and a night out with the guys. In fact, 26 percent of men say that the dumped party should get drunk with the guys after a break-up, according to a Men's Health online survey. But those beer swillers are actually in the minority: 36 percent say a guy should look at his new ex, smile, and thank her. The thing is, both of those reactions are exactly the same thing-masks for their true feelings. They can't deal with being hurt, or angry, or bummed. It's not until after they get past their initial reaction that men actually mourn the loss of the relationship. Women are more likely to cry soon after the breakup, and they're also more likely to use straight talk when ending a relationship, studies find. So women face their relationship blues head on, and get them out of their systems earlier. Many men tend to repress their reaction, so it lingers like basement mold. Men Have Fewer Friends
One of the reasons why women can get over sour relationships faster than the guys they breaks up with is that women have an amazing network of people to latch on to. Research indicates that men depend on romantic relationships for emotional intimacy and social support, whereas women are more likely to turn to family and female friends to satisfy those needs. Mothers, sisters, friends, hairdressers, cabbies, whoever-the more times she tells the story about what a jerk he was, the better she's going to feel. A man, on the other hand, stays corked. Often he shrugs off a break-up with a shoulder shrug, shoots a Jager shot, and tries to convince himself that he's not upset. That is, until about six months later, at 1AM after the fourth pitcher, when he confesses to his buds that all he ever wanted is for Janelle to take him back.

Men Hate Starting Over

After the break-up, a man may feel an initial surge of excitement of future prospects-the women he's yet to meet. But after three, four, or two dozen dates, he realizes that it's going to take a long time to reach the level of comfort he had with his ex. Research conducted at Carnegie Mellon University suggests that women adjust better to the end of a relationship because they've already given consideration to the possibility of a break-up, whereas men are typically unprepared for it. While that sense of emotional security can't be the only reason to stay together, it also makes him realize that he was very lucky to have a woman like her. Meanwhile, she's already moved on. And perhaps the only time he lets his guard down enough to admit the emotional truth is when he's drunk dialing her. And that's too little, way too late.

Men Idealize the Dating Game

Many breakups are a knee-jerk reaction to what men perceive as stagnation: He's bored with the same restaurants, the same petty arguments, the repetitive sex. Once he's back on the prowl, he thinks, he'll be bedding 10s and living the high life. After the break-up, however, he quickly realizes that the singles scene isn't all champagne and half-naked strangers--it's work. Instead of the exciting bar scene, he finds that he misses the intimacy of his past relationship. Studies show that women consistently outscore men on measures of social, sexual, and intellectual intimacy--and women are often quicker than men to realize that intimacy provides the foundation of a lasting relationship, not the sexual thrills.

Life Anew....

I'm now ready to start anew. Not because I have erased something or someone from my life, but it just so happened that there was a change in category. I just transfered him from one spot in my heart to another.

We had lunch together, because we both wanted to see if we're ok. We both wanted to reassure ourselves that we can both continue with our lives, but in a newfound respect and a new kind of love for each other, as friends. I'm really very happy because we both wanted that we remain friends, I'm very happy because we met halfway.

We cleared out some things also, amid teasings and laughter, and in the end, all is good. The slates were clean, the new relationship spotless. He thanked me, I thanked him. We shared a big chunk of our lives together, and that can't be easily forgotten. All is well, and will be better - in due time.

I'm happy also because I can see that he's happy right now. We don't have regrets, I didn't regret anything that happened between the two of us, during the 5-year-relationship even up to the process of ending it. Well, sure, there are some things I couldn't help but think "If only's" or "what if's", but at the end of the day, it really seems that what happened may really have been the best for the both of us. God has reasons and purposes that as of now, He alone knows and understands, but there will come a time that I and he, will know these and understand and maybe be thankful after all. We do not hold our lives in our hands, our present nor our future, but we can always try to work things out with God's help and grace.

I'm happy - I just don't really fully understand why, but deep inside, I know, believe and feel that all will be well. I'm not being hypocritical, but really, I'm happy. For him and also for myself, that we are in good terms, and we parted ways as good friends. We gave each other a hug and saw each other go.

I told him he's always welcome in my house, welcome to email, to SMS, to call me if he has problems or whatsoever, or just text or send non-sense messages or anything like that, and I really meant that; with all my heart. You were, and always will be a part of my life.

Thank you. So much. For sharing yourself and your life with me. God bless and always take care of yourself.

SMILE (a poem)

Smile, even if your tears are falling
Even in the midst of trials and adversities
Smile.

Smile, even if your heart is breaking
Even in the midst of the pain of loss and grief
Smile.

Smile, even if you’re feeling lonely
Even if one is lost, more will be found
Smile.

Smile, there are people
Waiting for you to just talk
To say how you feel
Waiting for you to cry on their shoulders
And just let out the tears.
Smile.

Smile, there are people
Waiting for you to tell them
That you need them
That you miss them
That you’re broken
Smile.

Smile, there are people
Who, even if they stay away
Will always be near you
Always watching even if not seen
Always listening, hearing, but not talking
Smile.

Smile, there will always be more
Tears, Laughter
Feelings, thoughts
People, experiences
Friends, foes
Smile.

Smile, even if your tears are falling
Even if one is lost
There will be a time
The lost will be found
The covered uncovered
The left come back to
Smile.

Smile, even if your heart is breaking
Broken pieces will be replaced
Wounds will be healed
Scars will be gone
Smile.

Smile, amidst the sadness
The end of one will be
The beginning of another
From friend to lover
Lover to friend
Smile.

Smile, I am here.
Even if unnoticed
Even if unseen
Even if unfelt.
Smile, I am here.

Rejoice in the Lord: He makes NO Mistake

It's good to be back after almost more than two weeks of absence. I highly appreciate the people who continue to visit my blog and take a look around. Thank you.

The past weeks have been a very nasty storm for me, physically and emotionally. For one, I had chicken pox and on top of that, something happened that has changed my life - really a very nasty storm to be in.

To protect the privacy of the matter and the identity of the other person involved, I will not be citing specifics here, just to air out my emotions as usual. This blog will be one of my outlets from here on (aside from work and my family and friends).

As I have posted before, Love is a choice. And as the title of this post says, The Lord makes no mistake. We do make some, or even plenty, but He doesn't. I made the wrong decisions, said the wrong words, did the wrong actions. And yet, in the midst of it all, I get comforted by this line from a song - Rejoice in the Lord, He makes no mistake. I am not putting the blame on the Lord, but on myself. The other person doesn't want me to do this either (I mean put the blame on myself) but it's actually the truth. It's my fault. I have said I'm sorry, and I still do feel sorry, and humbled, because after all the things that he has done and said and shown, after all the sacrifices that was made, I still had the guts to say that may be it was time to cool it off.

It was at first difficult to admit that it was my fault, but I found the courage to do so and also because I really feel heavy in my heart that I haven't really said that I'm truly sorry, and I know if he reads this, he might be annoyed or he may even turn out to hate me or something, or stop replying to my messages or some other thing that I will surely dread, but I really hope he doesn't because I'm not asking for anything in exchange for this; I'm not forcing him to make any decisions or to say something or whatever, I just really really need to say that I'm sorry and felt that I needed to write my feelings down because if I continue having it clammed up in me, the heavier my heart feels, the more I feel the need to say sorry, and the longer I wait to voice it out or to write it down, the farther damage it may cause me emotionally and even physically, than just expressing it and then just sincerely hoping that somehow, someday, he finds it in his heart to forgive me completely.

It's not really such a hellish experience, although it was for me, a bit, with the pox and all, but at the end of the day I am still thankful because I found the support of the family from both sides really comforting (I even found his mom and sister more supportive and comforting than my own mom, sorry to say...). I realized that friends that I tended to ignore before are still there to be a shoulder to lean on especially on dark nights and foggy days. I found out that they had a lot to say, a lot of consoling words of advice and support and friendship that I did't realize they were willing to give right until they did. I found my way back to old friends, friends that I lost real communication with for a while aside from forwarded quotes and messages through SMS and email. I realized that they remained, waiting for a lost friend to reach out and rekindle the dwindling flame of friendship. All these I realized and learned the hard way. The hardest way for me, because it just had to happen in such a bad circumstance, but somehow I am still grateful that I found the path back to them.

there is a reason for everything

I am also thankful because after all, we are friends. I mean I still really consider him a friend, and I do trust him when he said we're friends. He replies to my messages, I'm thankful, and he even visited me once just to check if I'm ok. Thank you. :)

People, expect more and more posts from now on, because I find writing really consoling. Some people find painting, singing, playing a musical instrument, taking pictures, going to the mall, smoking, even drinking as their outlet, well, I found this. I used to write down anything and everything, even lost most of those notes because I usually forgot where I placed them, but at least through my blog, it won't be lost as fast.